still stuck

My summer is more than half-way over and I still feel like I am stuck in the same rut I have been in for far too long. I feel like am stagnant, which in reality means I am going backwards in my growth-as a human, as a man, as a new adult, as a servant of the king. I am also made aware of my apathy and my pervasive laziness. I am a lazy person, this is something I have to fight intensely. I am constantly brought to this realization and though I desire so strongly to change in these moments, it does not take me long before I fall back into old habits and desires that have kept me stagnant so long. I have all these passions within me but when it is time to act on them I fall back into fear or apathy. Fear of what it might mean to act on them. Fear of losing that which makes me comfortable. Unable to see the joys that are not instant gratification but, through my relentless pursuit of them, bring a fullness of joy. There are so many things that bring true joy: Growing in the knowledge of Yahweh more and more every day through Jesus; Building honest, open, authentic relationships with other broken human beings like myself; learning to care more for others than I do for myself. I pray that God would kill my fear, my laziness, my apathy and convict my heart about these things, not just daily, but hourly.